What can I say about 2020?
It was a challenging year but then this is equally true for my 2019 and 2018.
I cannot deny the fact that 2020 brought the whole world to a standstill due to the coronavirus. There was a widespread dread of the death and doom and I wasn’t untouched by the fear emanating from the everyday rising numbers of infected people and deaths. The first half of the year was full of anxiety and the lack of me time, with the husband and son staying at home full time due to the lockdown, didn’t provide any relief. Additionally, Dhruv’s online class work submissions sucked all the energy out of me. There were no online school classes in the UK’s public schools as they had been going on in rest of the world with the teacher instructing on zoom or google meet but instead the students learnt from the BBC Bite Size website on their own which meant the parents helped them. The school’s role was to create assignments on the school’s portal (Purplemash.com in our case) and the students had to do them (type them) online and submit. Since this system was new to the children including Dhruv, hence I had to support him everyday with his learning and online assignment submissions. Each morning, I used to wake up with the burden pressing on my mind of the number of things I was required to do – cooking, cleaning, washing, teaching Dhruv, helping him and on top of that having no time, no energy and nowhere to go to escape these drudgeries even for a while. Corona killed me every day like this. It was hard to practice gratitude during th period of March to May and yet I sustained somehow. My situation improved slightly June onwards when the school assignments reduced in number as the school year was coming to an end and the lockdown also began easing out.
I am supposed to write about the lessons I have learnt in 2020. However, I am afraid my wisdom eludes me in this regard. Haven’t I learnt any lesson to carry on has been the context of my procastination throughout the last week. What I can write about is a list of things which kept me going through the year.
- Crocheting – Where would I have been without crocheting! Working 30-40 minutes with a hook and all colours of yarn in the night after winding up the chores anchored my mind no matter what was the scene of the house with the TV blaring at the loudest volume. It was another matter that the soothing effect of crocheting vanished every morning on waking up.
- Hindi songs – The songs saved me from getting dragged to the mental asylum. I played them loud on the music app on my phone. I played them in my ear plugs when the husband couldn’t take it loud any longer. I played the same song for hours at stretch. I hummed them. I sang them aloud myself. I wrote down the lyrics and posted them in my Insta stories. I learnt how to add music and songs through the Instagram link in my stories. I posted all kind of songs – the romantic songs, sad songs, fun songs, anyhting which came to my mind at any particular time on a particular day.
- Crying – I cried a lot because of the suffocation.
- Sharing my tangled state of mind – I let out my vulnerabilities by writing about them on Facebook and sharing them with a bunch of my close friends. This release proved to be a lot helpful.
- Healthy self-talk – It took a while (mid-May) to reach at a stage where I could counsel myself with healthy self-talk and shift the focus towards my centre. As a result, I started doing half an hour of aerobics with online videos 2-3 times a week and a small self-care beauty routine once a week.
- Maintaing a bullet journal – Once the focus shifted, in the month of June, I adopted the practice of maintaining a bullet journal in which I tracked my mood and habits and wrote down atleast 2 gratitude points and 1 positive affirmation everyday. The intention with noting down just 2 points was to make gratitude practice doable on a bad day as well. Mood tracking was especially useful as with it I could see the improvement in my mental health in the following months.
- Clicking and sharing selfies – I had never been into clicking and sharing my selfies online due to my reservations. The biggest change this year has been on this account. I regularly click selfies now and share them without a sense of hesitation. This has led me to accept the way I look with all my goodness and flaws. One more step in the direction of self-love. The flaws are, however, less visible with One Plus phones’ selfie camera because of the in-built auto-filter, a fact I discovered a month or two later.
- Saturday virtual meet-up with my closest friends – Saturday virtual meet-ups became a tradition since the month of May. These google meetings helped all of us in overcoming the intense times we were going through by sharing, supporting and lifting each other up. Duriing the initial period, these calls were the only prominent thing which made an entry into my daily gratitude journal. Every Saturday I was filled with immense gratitude for my friends.
- Conspiracy of the universe – At one time, I believed miracles only happened in Rajshri films and they had no place in real life since real life is meant to be struggled through. The universe must have had taken a note of this and it chose this year to bring a change in my belief about miracles. It opened my heart clearing the energy blockage in it, set me up on the path my spirit most desired, brought me answers to the questions my physical self had kept stored in itself all these years. And all this happened while I remained a mere spectator which is the miraculous part. (It may be hard for the reader to get what I am expressing here.)
- The follow-up – The next step was to carry on the work within myself by staying in alignment with the path destined for me with energy-clearing meditation. These meditations have been extremely helpful in the last 6 months by filling me with indestructible positivity barring a period of 2 weeks time in November, while I was in the transit phase of shifting from the UK to India and not yet settled, when a deep past hurt got triggered coming up to the surface for me to deal with and to heal. I am not sure if I have been able to heal myself of this particular hurt at this point of time. Yet, I am back to my happy, calm and stable state. Healing is a life-long process. You heal one aspect and then another one makes an upward move asking for love.
After devoting 3 days time to this post to shape up, today (the 4th day) I am most certain about the lesson I have learnt in the year 2020. I have learnt to trust the universe even in the times of struggle and anxiety. I am strongly supported by the universe. We all are.