Why didn’t he speak to anybody?
Why didn’t he put up a fight?
What a waste of a beautiful life!
Why did he commit suicide when he was a successful actor?
He had the money and fame then how could he commit suicide?
These are a few questions I read yesterday centered around the untimely death of the actor Sushant Singh Rajput and they are disturbing for me.
Who knows what were his struggles and for how long had he been struggling? Who can surely tell he didn’t reach out to his people? He might have on previous occasions and this time he didn’t have it in him to repeat his brokenness and the unmendable. I do not have it in me to dissect Sushant’s circumstances and I will not. I can only talk about myself. I can tell you living with anxiety and depression is not something I want. I do not have depression at this point in time and that is because I make an effort each day to go the extra mile to manage my anxiety. Once I read a line on my friend Esha’s blog where she had written ‘it is like running a whole marathon only to stay in one place.’ Managing my anxiety is running that marathon for me. It gets utterly exhausting many times. It feels like a full-time job. The days I am left with no energy to go on, I lie low which does not come easy because there are a house and family to take care of. I have an extremely supportive group of friends who have been there for me when I have shared my struggles in writing. Writing and reading their supportive thoughts help each time. However, there are my insecurities too and the thoughts of ‘why do I burden them with my issues, they have enough of their own to deal with? No one else shares their struggles so am I the only one – the cry baby? How can I ask for support when I do not ever have adequate and appropriate words to console and empathize with others and primarily my group of friends. All my friends will leave me and go away.’
The idea of suicide did cross my mind when I was in the depression phase 2 years ago as a romantic notion. I pondered upon it. It seemed too much. I was and am thankful that I had some level of awareness in me to realize the after effects it will have on Dhruv. I am thankful for all the stories shared by bloggers about how the death of their mothers in their childhood took a toll on them while growing up. I am thankful to a particular blogger who shared (and continues to share) her hardships with depression after her husband died of suicide. Suicide doesn’t end one life alone but it brings down other lives too which are closely related. I have my reason to fight on, thus.
All through writing this post, I have toyed with the thought of whether or not to publish this one and limit it to the drafts. Letting out my vulnerability does not give rise to a comfortable emotion. Yet, I think of those aforementioned courageous bloggers who shared their stories of pain and struggle with the world. If they hadn’t, I wouldn’t have anything to fall back upon and to have the perspective that I have now. I am going ahead and pressing the publish button, before my vulnerability takes a hold of me, hoping this post to be helpful to somebody in need.