Toying with suicidal thoughts #MondayMusings

Why didn’t he speak to anybody?

Why didn’t he put up a fight?

What a waste of a beautiful life!

Why did he commit suicide when he was a successful actor?

He had the money and fame then how could he commit suicide?

These are a few questions I read yesterday centered around the untimely death of the actor Sushant Singh Rajput and they are disturbing for me.

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Who knows what were his struggles and for how long had he been struggling? Who can surely tell he didn’t reach out to his people? He might have on previous occasions and this time he didn’t have it in him to repeat his brokenness and the unmendable. I do not have it in me to dissect Sushant’s circumstances and I will not. I can only talk about myself. I can tell you living with anxiety and depression is not something I want. I do not have depression at this point in time and that is because I make an effort each day to go the extra mile to manage my anxiety. Once I read a line on my friend Esha’s blog where she had written ‘it is like running a whole marathon only to stay in one place.’ย  Managing my anxiety is running that marathon for me. It gets utterly exhausting many times. It feels like a full-time job. The days I am left with no energy to go on, I lie low which does not come easy because there are a house and family to take care of. I have an extremely supportive group of friends who have been there for me when I have shared my struggles in writing. Writing and reading their supportive thoughts help each time. However, there are my insecurities too and the thoughts of ‘why do I burden them with my issues, they have enough of their own to deal with? No one else shares their struggles so am I the only one – the cry baby? How can I ask for support when I do not ever have adequate and appropriate words to console and empathize with others and primarily my group of friends. All my friends will leave me and go away.’

The idea of suicide did cross my mind when I was in the depression phase 2 years ago as a romantic notion. I pondered upon it. It seemed too much. I was and am thankful that I had some level of awareness in me to realize the after effects it will have on Dhruv. I am thankful for all the stories shared by bloggers about how the death of their mothers in their childhood took a toll on them while growing up. I am thankful to a particular blogger who shared (and continues to share) her hardships with depression after her husband died of suicide. Suicide doesn’t end one life alone but it brings down other lives too which are closely related. I have my reason to fight on, thus.

All through writing this post, I have toyed with the thought of whether or not to publish this one and limit it to the drafts. Letting out my vulnerability does not give rise to a comfortable emotion. Yet, I think of those aforementioned courageous bloggers who shared their stories of pain and struggle with the world. If they hadn’t, I wouldn’t have anything to fall back upon and to have the perspective that I have now. I am going ahead and pressing the publish button, before my vulnerability takes a hold of me, hoping this post to be helpful to somebody in need.

17 comments

  1. As always a frank and brave declaration for the bespectacled mother.
    We all have moments of depression and anxiety and as you said suicide is not the logical end.
    As humans we are endowed with thinking powers and are able to ask for help .
    But on the other hand , I feel that our lives are predetermined and the way we come into this world and leave it is already decided .
    Ironically Sushantโ€™s Chicchore dealt with a father and his suicidal son . How did he feel acting this role ?
    We will never know .
    Take care in these troubled times .

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    1. You are so right. Our lives are predetermined and the time and way we come to and leave the earth are already decided. I know it from experience that when we are in the thick of it, the thinking powers cease to work, and articulating how we are feeling and what we are going through becomes the toughest task. How did he feel doing that role in the movie? Only he must have known.
      Your appreciating my frankness and bravery prodded me to write another frank post this week ๐Ÿ™‚

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  2. Hugs. It must not be easy to put everything out there but I admire your strength. I admire your friends too who give you that strength. I cannot imagine completely what the marathon might be on a daily basis but I do have some idea. I was depressed at one point of time in my life when something I really wanted turned out to be a struggle but I didnโ€™t know then. I only remember how there were days when I would gulp cough syrups and spend the entire day sleeping. Anyway. Enough about me. As I said, you are brave, my dear. And being brave is the toughest thing in the world.

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    1. Thank you for understanding, Nabanita. The most helpful was a friend who was going through a similar situation at that time and thus was more open to hearing me than others.
      Since the time I read your comment for the first time, the cough syrup thing has not left my mind leaving me with a few questions. I wish to ask you some time

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  3. You are not a cry baby. You do not burden anyone with your stories. It takes immense courage to expose your vulnerabilities and I am glad you do that. In doing that you also start a catharsis for many others who follow your footsteps to unburden their own stories of pain and hardship. Suicide is something that crosses the mind of anyone who has been depressed ever in their lives. I remember in school once our entire class once planned a mass suicide after a horrible maths exam. We all felt we would fail and the only way to escape the shame of failure was to commit mass suicide. But crossing through your mind and actually doing it is a completely different thing, not doing it is what matters. I lost my mother when I was in school. Losing a parent at any age is a pain but let me tell you losing a parent while you are in school is a trauma and it leaves a lifelong scar in the mind. I am sure Sushant’s trauma of losing his mother early also played a part. No wonder his last Instagram post was about his mother, probably he was contemplating to go back to her. I do not wish even my worst enemy to lose his/her mother early in life, that makes you a broken soul for the rest of your life. I am always there to support you and reach me out whenever you feel like. You are a wonderful woman and nothing should stop you from being the amazing woman that you are.

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    1. You said it, Balaka, with “crossing through your mind and actually doing it is a completely different thing, not doing it is what matters.” The one person whom I can’t thank enough during my depression days was you for all your support ๐Ÿ’–

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  4. I’ve read so many posts about Sushant’s suicide – how shocking, and unfortunate it was. The question that annoyed me the most was – why didn’t he speak up! When someone talks about their restless thoughts, most of us don’t have the time to listen to it. And if that someone is someone like Sushant, a famous actor, nobody would listen to his pained thoughts, we would rather hear about his success and how he reached there. People have no right to call anyone anything after the fact. If he didn’t speak up, that’s probably because nobody was there to speak to. He clearly couldn’t talk about whatever that was that took his life away on a social media post, could he?
    I hate those people who talk as if they know better. When my dad died, I was not in a pleasant mood. It nearly destroyed my married life as I used to pick fights with my husband every day. It took more than a year to fix things, that too because I figured that something was wrong and my relation with my husband changed. But back then I wasn’t aware that my dad’s death was the cause all that. Now I am able to put those pieces together. Whenever I wanted to talk to someone, I even tried talking about my dead dad to a few friends, but they were uncomfortable. They didn’t know what to say. So I stopped making attempts. If I also failed to be a friend to myself then that would have ruined my whole life.
    Truth is even when people make an attempt to bring light to the pain that’s haunting them, not everyone listens to it. One cannot pick up the phone and blurt out I’m thinking of committing suicide. Those conversations don’t happen that way.
    A cousin of mine committed suicide when he was 28 years old. He was a very close to me and my sister in our childhood. We used to spend almost all the holidays together back then. But during our college days, we grew apart as we moved to a different place. He was one year older than me. Everybody in the family said the same – why did he do this, He didn’t think about his mother, etc. But I couldn’t blame him. We were not there for him. His pain was too unbearable for him and we were not there for him. Blaming him was a disgrace.
    You are doing everything you can to keep your anxiety in line and that’s commendable, Anamika. I know the feeling of why should I bother my friends with my troubles. But don’t think. Be selfish and bother your friends, bother me. I do that, both thinking that I shouldn’t bother my friends and bothering them with my problems. Talking to my friends is a prominent one in my destress list. I now know who actually listens and who doesn’t. But talking isn’t easy as one might think. So don’t expect me to spill my deepest darkest thoughts to someone who puts a status message on FB that says talk to me. Those things won’t work.

    Sorry if I blabbered on and on. These thoughts have been bothering me since yesterday.

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    1. You have not at all blabbered, Vinitha because everything you have written makes complete sense to me. “Why didn’t he think of his mother?” this question was the biggest disrespect to your cousin’s death. My answer to this could be he didn’t see any hope in his mother too. I totally get you it is not possible to talk to anybody, our parents included, about the pain, hurt, anxieties we might be enduring for a number of reasons. There has to be an authentic connection to do this and the other person should be receptive.

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  5. It’s good that you sharing your thoughts. It’s not easy to share everything and I guess we all go through these moments some point of time and anxiety is something which is very common these days. And we never know anyone story, what he or she going through. So that’s why I always tell my friends and family to never judge anyone and to be kind.

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  6. Anamika, sharing your pain is a brave act. We all know the downside of holding on to pain and secrets. Please know that you are never a bother – always an inspiration to me! โ™ฅ

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    1. The downside of holding on to pain and secrets are far-reaching and have negative implications. Thank you, Corinne, for always taking the time to patiently hear me, the workings of my anxious mind, and releasing the cork off the bottled up emotions. ๐Ÿ’–

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  7. I read your honest and heartfelt post about suicide and depression and remembered my own tussle with depression. It’s important to put this out there. Beautifully written.

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    1. Hugs, Kalpana ๐Ÿค— Recalling the tussle days of depression evokes seme degree of pain even when one thinks he/she is past those times. I hope you are okay. Thank you for visiting and reading my post ๐Ÿ’–

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