It is the end of the 2nd Week of January now.
I am quite late to the party of doing a ‘look back’ post for the year 2019 and my word of the year post. I am facing a dread that the words will not flow as fluidly in this post as I would like them to given my current disturbed state of mind in the wake of the tumultuous times our country is going through at present. It is hard to stay unaffected even when I am thousands of kilometres away. However, whatever has to be done, has to be done and thus a blogger has to blog.
2019 was an okay year for me if I see it in a stand-alone scenario but a good year for me if I compare it to how 2018 was for me. I suffered from hyper anxiety and depression in the later part of 2018. In the last 2 months of 2018, I attended a CBT workshop which at that time I felt was not working for me. I was expecting a miracle out of those workshop sessions when they were not meant to be so – a miracle. CBT was about equipping oneself and finding one’s own way to deal with anxiety and depression. It gave umpteen pointers to start working with. The ones I started were – monitoring my sleep (I hadn’t slept well in months) and listening to (sleep and anxiety-reducing) mediation. I also took frequent breaks during the day. As soon as I felt my mind was getting worked up, I would lie down with my earplugs with meditation audio playing on the phone.
The one word I heard a lot in these meditations was ‘Breathe’ and I made this word my word of the year for 2019. I promised myself to take a pause and breathe the moment I realise I was losing control over the speeding thoughts. Did I succeed with my choice of word? I did but only after when I blew off the lid and let out all steam and tears after a month of fixing the word and intent. Blowing the lid off was not deliberate. It just happened and it brought a change with the husband asking me how could he help me whereas until that time I was battling alone.
I was able to keep depression at bay in 2019 although I kept working on reducing and managing my anxiety.
The first 6-7 months of 2019 were good in terms of blogging. I was blogging regularly. The stats page was booming. During this time, I also volunteered in Dhruv’s school 2 hours a week. It gave me a purpose to step out of the house and helped me get to know his school considerably. I made 2 visits to India – one to Bangalore in April and another one to Delhi in August. The first one was refreshing as I got to meet my dearest friends and the second one was utterly draining with meeting relatives and bearing the heat and high humidity. I have always wondered how my people are capable of showing a change in their attitude when they are planted in Bangalore and how they go back to their regressive thinking and being judgemental when they go back to their own place in Delhi.
The months which followed found me crippling with one form of physical pain or another. It started with acute pain developing in my right knee which stayed for close to 2 months followed by a long spell of painful tendonitis in my right forearm limiting my ability to use my right hand followed by 2 weeks of viral fever followed by my eye-sight blurring and reducing. If the last 4 months of 2018 went into dealing with mental pain, then the last 4 months of 2019 went into dealing with physical pain and asking if there can be anything more than this or any more pain that I didn’t know of. As I enter 2020, I have found methods to treat my pain in the knees and strengthen my right arm with yoga and specific exercises.
In the last 2 years, one emotion that has stayed with me and has been responsible for creating havoc for my mind and body has been ‘overwhelm’. In the last 2 years, one technique (which is not really a technique) that I have used mostly to deal with this constant overwhelm is by constant complaining. This is sad because I had given up on complaining a few years ago and I know how I felt in the absence of it. This is one change I want to make for myself in 2020 and I wanted my word of the year to encompass it. An appropriate word was tough to find and so I have settled on a simple word which is ‘will’. This word stands for willingness and resolve. I will cut down my overwhelm by allowing myself to make a choice of what is important and make peace with it. It will also include limiting the days I devote to blogging to 3 instead of 5 which means I will have to let go off of some of the blog hops. I will stay aware of my complaining attitude and cut it through when I catch myself in the midst of it. I have done this in the past and I will in 2020.
WILL is my word of the year 2020.