A rewind of 2019 and Word of the year 2020 #Woty

It is the end of the 2nd Week of January now.

I am quite late to the party of doing a ‘look back’ post for the year 2019 and my word of the year post. I am facing a dread that the words will not flow as fluidly in this post as I would like them to given my current disturbed state of mind in the wake of the tumultuous times our country is going through at present. It is hard to stay unaffected even when I am thousands of kilometres away. However, whatever has to be done, has to be done and thus a blogger has to blog.

2019 was an okay year for me if I see it in a stand-alone scenario but a good year for me if I compare it to how 2018 was for me. I suffered from hyper anxiety and depression in the later part of 2018. In the last 2 months of 2018, I attended a CBT workshop which at that time I felt was not working for me. I was expecting a miracle out of those workshop sessions when they were not meant to be so – a miracle. CBT was about equipping oneself and finding one’s own way to deal with anxiety and depression. It gave umpteen pointers to start working with. The ones I started were – monitoring my sleep (I hadn’t slept well in months) and listening to (sleep and anxiety-reducing) mediation. I also took frequent breaks during the day. As soon as I felt my mind was getting worked up, I would lie down with my earplugs with meditation audio playing on the phone.

The one word I heard a lot in these meditations was ‘Breathe’ and I made this word my word of the year for 2019. I promised myself to take a pause and breathe the moment I realise I was losing control over the speeding thoughts. Did I succeed with my choice of word? I did but only after when I blew off the lid and let out all steam and tears after a month of fixing the word and intent. Blowing the lid off was not deliberate. It just happened and it brought a change with the husband asking me how could he help me whereas until that time I was battling alone.

I was able to keep depression at bay in 2019 although I kept working on reducing and managing my anxiety.

The first 6-7 months of 2019 were good in terms of blogging. I was blogging regularly. The stats page was booming. During this time, I also volunteered in Dhruv’s school 2 hours a week. It gave me a purpose to step out of the house and helped me get to know his school considerably. I made 2 visits to India – one to Bangalore in April and another one to Delhi in August. The first one was refreshing as I got to meet my dearest friends and the second one was utterly draining with meeting relatives and bearing the heat and high humidity. I have always wondered how my people are capable of showing a change in their attitude when they are planted in Bangalore and how they go back to their regressive thinking and being judgemental when they go back to their own place in Delhi.

The months which followed found me crippling with one form of physical pain or another. It started with acute pain developing in my right knee which stayed for close to 2 months followed by a long spell of painful tendonitis in my right forearm limiting my ability to use my right hand followed by 2 weeks of viral fever followed by my eye-sight blurring and reducing. If the last 4 months of 2018 went into dealing with mental pain, then the last 4 months of 2019 went into dealing with physical pain and asking if there can be anything more than this or any more pain that I didn’t know of. As I enter 2020, I have found methods to treat my pain in the knees and strengthen my right arm with yoga and specific exercises.

In the last 2 years, one emotion that has stayed with me and has been responsible for creating havoc for my mind and body has been ‘overwhelm’. In the last 2 years, one technique (which is not really a technique) that I have used mostly to deal with this constant overwhelm is by constant complaining. This is sad because I had given up on complaining a few years ago and I know how I felt in the absence of it. This is one change I want to make for myself in 2020 and I wanted my word of the year to encompass it. An appropriate word was tough to find and so I have settled on a simple word which is ‘will’. This word stands for willingness and resolve. I will cut down my overwhelm by allowing myself to make a choice of what is important and make peace with it. It will also include limiting the days I devote to blogging to 3 instead of 5 which means I will have to let go off of some of the blog hops. I will stay aware of my complaining attitude and cut it through when I catch myself in the midst of it. I have done this in the past and I will in 2020.

WILL is my word of the year 2020.

wp-15786621058346157699600734978189.png

12 comments

  1. I can hear you, Anu. Hugs!
    Experiencing mental health issues and physical health issues has been a part of my life for so many years now that I can completely understand when someone speaks of going through either of these. But, despite it all, you have gotten out of it. Even though you complained–and mind you, it’s our right to complain about life every once in a while! We are humans. Period. Not a single soul will go through adversity without complaining or crying about it. It’s to let off the steam, vent out the anger and frustration. If it makes you feel better, then so be it.

    But, as I was saying, you came out of it. You tried whatever you could, and in that lies your bravery. I heard this line years ago in a movie: “It’s not brave if you are not scared.” You may have been scared by the changes you experienced, but you did overcome it all, right? And, in all that get-over-the-shit lies your attitude, your willpower and that’s what will help you with your WOTY for this year.. WILL!

    I wish you the bestest, dear friend! Just take it one day at a time, do not plan for tomorrow, and do what gives YOU happiness and peace of mind. Let the rest of the world go to hell. ;P

    Love and hugs!

    Like

  2. Good to have you back dear friend. So so sorry for the hard time 2019 gave you. Physical pain can be mentally crippling too. I love how you’re handling it all – in a practical sensible manner. Most people wouldn’t even notice they were comopaning too much. It is such a part of our lives. But only through self-awareness can we achieve self-improvement so you’re half way there already. WILL is a good word to choose – simple, practical yet effective. Sending you lots of love in this new year. Hope 2020 proves to be better.

    Like

  3. Anamika,
    Happy new year- I am sure you “will” get over and conquer it.
    Please take one tablet of Magnesium every day- it really helps with everything.
    Susie

    Like

  4. What a strong word you’ve chosen, Anamika. I admire how you’ve fought through the mental and physical pain and come out stronger and clearer. Hugs, dear friend. You’re always an inspiration to me.

    Like

  5. I truly loved reading this post, Anamika. Your will to make 2020 a good year is reflected in here. I applaud you for owning up to your problems and taking steps to fix that. People usually won’t be ready to accept that they complain. The last two months of 2019 I made a conscious decision of stop complaining which helped me even things were not cent percent good. I totally love the word you chose for 2020. You will feel all goodness this year, my friend.

    Like

  6. First of a all, a tight hug from me. I know that feeling of being overwhelmed. It is the worst, mostly because it brings out the worst side of me. I am so happy that you are trying to overcome it. Will is a strong and empowering word and it will keep you motivated throughout the year to work towards your mental peace. Priortising always helps. Last year I accepted that there will always be things that I will have to give up. I reduced my blogging to only once or maybe twice a week. I hope things settle down for you.
    Take care. Wish you a beautiful year ahead.

    Like

  7. Hugs! I know what it is to suffer from both physical pain and depression and anxiety . I was struggling with both last year. Thanks to my therapist and cousellor and my physician, I was able to get back on track a little. Talking to others helped and my friends were my greatest support, being totally unjudgemental. I really feel blessed to have them in my life!

    Like

  8. I am sorry to know that things were this bad. I knew you were dealing with a few but this must have been bad. You know what I really admire about you? That you are super honest with what you think and how you react. I have met you, I know you as a person a bit so I am very appreciative of the fact that you own things and you work on yourself. I am sure that you WILL make 2020 your year. I know you WILL surpass your own expectations. This post will help you because when you come back to this, you will know your progress.
    Please take care of yourself. I can keep you accountable on yoga and exercises. Shall I? Hugs and have a good one, Anamika. I won’t mind getting some Holi sweets again this year 😉

    Like

  9. Hugs, Anamika. You’ve been dealing with so much on the personal front. I hope you’re feeling much better now, and that you continue to take really good care of yourself. The overwhelm can engulf us if we are not careful, so rest, breathe, and look after you. Hope 2020 is much kinder to you. xx

    Like

  10. WILL is such an empowering word. I am sure, it will certainly help you to cope with the challenges and see you happy, healthy and at peace. Take good care of yourself and wishing you the very best in everything you do. Cheers ♥

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.