It is mid-January of 2019 and I am still not done with my reflections post for 2018. To be honest, it was not a great year for me, not even satisfying and it scares me to think of revisiting it. I have tried it. I wrote about it. I filled atleast 10 pages of my diary in an attempt to sort my thoughts to put together in a blog post. Unfortunately, this has not worked. I may be much stable at present but going through those 10 pages makes me go all tangled in my head. I simply cannot write a full-fledged 2018 reflections post.
There are questions in my mind about how and why did I let myself fall into the pit when I had sobered a couple of years ago. How could I let go of my awareness and get shrouded with a negative thinking pattern leading to depression? I used to be a positive and optimistic person then what happened?
The good thing about 2018 was a happy Dhruv. He was ecstatic to come to the UK to be united with his father whom he missed dearly in the 2 and a half years while he and I lived by ourselves in India. He loves his school and his teachers for their kindness. He finds it much better here than his school in India. My parenting responsibilities got shared. It was definitely not easy to raise him single-handedly over all those years. This has to be worthy of gratitude.
Maybe I was used to having my head full and then when I got a little free mind space, I didn’t know what to do with that. This should not be true for there wasn’t any free mind space. My mind got caught up with other aspects, those out of my comfort zone – never-ending housework, cooking, school runs, no financial independence, sort of forced socialization with not so like-minded people and no time for blogging. It became a vicious circle and there appeared no way out of it.
2018 was full of lemons and many of these lemons are here to stay in 2019.
I decided to make ‘Lemonade’ word of the year. I settled upon making lemonade out of each lemon and have it sweet or salty as the day may have to offer.
A part of me wasn’t convinced with the efficacy of lemonade. There has to be a catalyst in the absence of which I may forget to add honey or salt and therefore have it sour and unpleasant.
My search, hence, began for that catalyst.
Last week, I was reading a book and there I found my catalyst word – Breathe.
Breathe is what I need at this hour and for this year.
Breathe is what I have to do when I catch myself drinking a sour lemonade.
Breathe is what I have to do to tune out the over-bearing negative, self-deprecating voices in my head.
Breathe is what I have to do to take time out and pull out my colouring book and colour pencils to calm the mind.
Breathe is what I have to do to find the right wavelength to let good things find their way to me.
Breathe is my Word of the Year 2019.