5 ways I work to deal with my yelling problem #MondayMusings

Dhruv, stay seated.

Dhruv, stop talking and finish your meal fast.

Dhruv, this is what I have cooked today and you will have to eat it, whether you like it or not.

Dhruv, get ready fast, we have to leave in 5 minutes.

Dhruv….Dhruv…Dhruv….

This must be the common scenario in every home with a change of situations and definitely change of names.

How many times it happens that we, as parents, reach the brink of our patience levels. We keep reminding the children but our reminders fell on deaf ears causing us to lose our patience and yelling at such times becomes inevitable.

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Image courtesy : Pixabay

I have been guilty of yelling out aloud creating shudders often. But, I am working on myself to get the tasks completed or to get the other pair of ears dedicated to listening to me without letting the steam blow off my mind.

Staying aware is the key.

I have known the consequences of yelling for myself and Dhruv where my pressure shoots up and he goes into his shell with both of us, later, requiring considerable efforts and time to get back to our natural selves.  This situation is somewhat like the war and the restoration afterwards where resources are unnecessarily destroyed first and then more resources are later needed to rebuild. Staying aware can prevent the wastage.

Here is how I deal with my anger when it comes to yelling –

Constant inner dialogue – 

I reiterate ‘Yelling is not acceptable.’ Tasks DO get done when approached with love and calmness.

Questioning myself –

  1. Can I resort to yelling at the spouse when he irritates me and hope to come out unscathed? No.
  2. Am I okay to be yelled at even if I am at fault? No.
  3. Then, how can I assume the little fellow will be fine when I yell at him?

Deep breaths – 

Nothing works wonders like deep breaths. A moment of deep breath brings back the awareness and all the inner functioning to the mind’s surface.

The pause that I take in this process helps me to see the situation in a detached manner, thereby helping me to avert further meltdowns, both his and mine.

Understanding my triggers – 

Certain circumstances are more trickier for us as adults to deal with causing our energies to run low. And, if in this event, some more disturbances get added then we are sure to get blown off.

I am least productive after 7 pm, what with the need to prepare dinner, get Dhruv to finish it off within time and put him to bed. There was a time when inspite of my frequent warnings he wouldn’t complete his homework in the afternoon and used to keep it for the night. I couldn’t cope up with sitting with him constantly monitoring his homework and also finishing off the chores without getting late. This was stressful and I yelled a lot. Eventually, both of us worked around this and we have peaceful evenings now.

Appraising myself –

I do not wait for anyone to come and appraise me when I get over a situation calmly. It is for me to do since I know my battles better.

When I react with yelling, I give myself the discount to fare much better the next time since the testing situations will not cease and will be galore in future.

Linking this post to #MondayMusings and #Mondaymommymoments

#Monday Musings

Healthwealthbridge

25 thoughts on “5 ways I work to deal with my yelling problem #MondayMusings

  1. Rachna says:

    Very candid post, Anamika. Which parent has not struggled with this? I completely agree that being conscious of the triggers help. Just like you, evenings are times when I run low on patience and I am tired as well after a day of work. That is when I lose my temper easily. But over the years, I have noticed that my yelling has come down to almost negligible now. Maybe, the kids are becoming more sensible as well. As a matter of fact, the younger son often compliments me on being kind. That is one compliment I really cherish.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. vishalbheeroo says:

    Anamika, it’s such an honest self-critique that a courageous someone could do to grow and fight the yelling or anger demons inside. I feel that taking a deep breathing can help a lot and doing a reversal mode on someone shouting at us.

    Like

  3. Esha Mookerjee-Dutta says:

    Honestly speaking, I have been there so many times myself, especially during the early years when it was quite a challenge to manage my son, get him to eat, or nap in the afternoons and so often, being at a fractious point myself, have resorted to yelling after losing all my patience. Not just that, I’ve even cried as a hapless mom for being so nasty to my child when I should have been extra kind! Lets say, I have learnt a lot of life lessons just by being a mom and realising how terribly imperfect I am, so, still a work-in-progress on many counts, and am still learning. Over the years, the yelling has been replaced by cajoling and convincing and sometimes a little stern reprimanding for something that is unacceptable. Moms of young kids do have tough moments but I think as the kids get older, things change for the better.

    Liked by 2 people

  4. Nabanita Dhar says:

    ‘I do not wait for anyone to come and appraise me when I get over a situation calmly. It is for me to do since I know my battles better.’ This is something I need to learn and implement. Loved this line a lot. This post makes me realise that parenting needs so much patience and then mindfulness. It’s a pretty hard job and I love the points you make here.

    You know, Anamika, M is being very cranky lately and refuses to eat. In the evenings when I’m tired but have to run after her, I get really mad, at her and then at S who only reaches home once all the running after M activities are done. And as a result, I end up yelling. But the very next moment I feel guilty. I need to work on this. Some days are better than the rest but I need to try harder.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. upasna1987 says:

    Being a new Mother, I got frustrated easily with my full time Job and other responsibilities. Call it postpartum effect or anything but I feel guilty for it sometimes. But now when he is almost 3, I am much stable and able to control the emotions that emerge from overworking and tiredness.

    Like

  6. Vinay Leo R. says:

    Love the thoughts. I’ve only seen from the child’s perspective so far, but yes, less yelling would help a lot in parenting. Very difficult to come out of the shell once into it.

    Like

  7. Lata Sunil says:

    I struggled a lot too.. what with two boys and the job and the stress. I used to yell constantly. Till I read Shailaja’s post on yelling less and made a conscious effort to yell less. I let them fail and face the consequences. 9 times out of 10, it works. They have to understand, it is beneficial to them to do a task. Even letting them miss the school bus, forgetting tiffin, water bottle, brushing teeth at night. Also, point out to the boys when they do something good. I appreciate it. It has brought my stress down and yelling only when it gets out of hand like filling college admission forms.

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  8. Healthwealthbridge by Dr.Amrita Basu says:

    Homeworks to be completed in the afternoon are a must at our place too.I too remember my triggers and take precautions when i have difficult days.One thing which works for me is the inner dialogue.Its like a constant conversation inside my head.Thank you for writing with us for #MondayMommyMoments

    Like

  9. Rajlakshmi says:

    oh yes it is so difficult to not to scold or shout at kids. I went through that while baby sitting my absolutely naughty cousin. It takes a lot of wit and patience to actually get things done. Glad you are having peaceful evenings now.

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  10. Shirley Corder says:

    Anamika, thank you for this. Many years ago I was the mother of three young children. The first two rarely got into trouble. They knew the warning signs with me and would hastily back off. But number 3 was another story. He knew all the buttons to press, and unlike the other two he didn’t back off. Many times I ended up yelling and then regretting it afterwards. Gradually we worked through it and now they’re all living in other parts of the world I’d love the chance to yell at him one more time. 🙂 I know he’d just pick me up and hug me now. Why do we tell people to “earmark” certain things?

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  11. Vinitha says:

    You know, Anamika, I was secretly proud for being a less yelling mom. But that was in the past. After the little one was born, having too many things on my plate, has pushed me to resort to yelling. But I was consciously trying not to, even when I had bad days. But now, as the little one is nine months old and trying his best to graduate as the naughtiest of the lot, I’m losing it, every day, every second. You have shared some valid and doable pointers here. But tell that to the cranky me and you will be yelled at too. It wasn’t this hard when Kanna was a baby, I tell you. 😩

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  12. Sid Balachandran says:

    You could well be an associate from Shailaja’s school of no-yelling. Quite useful steps, but I somehow give up on this quite easily. As a result, I always end up yelling a lot.
    Maybe some day I’ll come to terms with not doing it. But more power to you all.

    Like

  13. Suja says:

    Wow..I really love not to to yell at mu daughter..But I am still finding a way to really make it work..This post is awesome and you speak through the mind..Maybe oneday I will stop yelling at my daughter and try to approach her with the only live mantra…

    Like

  14. Bhavya says:

    Choosing and remembering not to Yell must be such a daunting task. I have no idea how some parents have all the patience in the world. I’m cheering you on, way to go 🙂

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  15. Obsessivemom says:

    I completely sympathise Anamika. Being aware really really helps. I’ve also started working around my triggers. It helps to recognise the ‘bad times’ for you and being cautious.

    Like

  16. sunainabhatia says:

    It’s like you are speaking my heart out. I too become cranky by night because the stress to wind up is too much with two not so-cooperative kids. But eventually it is on us to take control. Like you,I try to make conscious efforts and try to involve my son in the matters instead of just commanding.

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  17. Geethica says:

    Well, this is very much close to me. I try deep breathing and try to organise things in advance to avoid confusions. But … the point mostly remains the same that kids make it a practice not to listen at once. They keep playing their own stuff and I feel I have to finish a lot of chores that equally important. But yes as you said I know the best for me. And I only have to improve.

    Like

  18. Shilpa Halwe says:

    True, looking at life from the kid’s perspective helps a lot. MAybe because I am not a mum dealing with a kid 24X7, or whatever the reason, I always advice my SIl to think how she would feel if she was yelled at/admonished every now and then for everything she did. It works, definitely, it works!
    I am so happy for you, Anamika, for challenging yourself to yell lesser and keep calm.

    Like

  19. Suja says:

    Way to go Anamika. I always try not to yell at my kid. But, at times it just comes out of me and I am trying hard to replace it with some other action rather than yelling. These tips are very useful and helpful.

    Like

  20. Neha says:

    Helpful tips! I am still trying to reach a point where I can say that I have it all sorted but am trying to reach there. Not listening is a very somthing that irks me

    Like

  21. Shilpa Arya says:

    This topic is one which is bothering me for sometime while dealing with my little one. It is increasing exponentially Day by day and its kind of going out of control. One thing I came to conclusion that yelling is not the solution to get the things done. You yell more they take you for granted more n more. Nice points Anamika.. will remember these While dealing with her.

    Like

  22. Ramya Abhinand says:

    Oh God! Anamika, this is such a constant battle within me. I keep pushing myself, and telling myself to stop or atleast reduce my yelling. but I know sometimes I go overboard. Taking a deep breath does help me but I still wish I never did begin yelling. Oh well I take a deep breath after yelling. Wish I did it before!

    Like

  23. kreativemommy says:

    I felt as if I was reading my own story Anamika. Yelling mostly happens when we are also tired and irritated. T make the matters worse, kids do not listen t us and make it difficult for us. It is difficult to control our yelling at that time. Thanks for writing for #MMM 🙂

    Like

  24. Gleefulblogger says:

    Being a mother and managing our own life is very taxing, it keeps posing unforseen challenges to tweak the happiness and sanity many time. I honestly connected with your post, diagnosis, deep breaths and appraisal helps in any twisted situation. Loved the post.

    Like

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