There are some posts which don’t let one sleep because they compel to get themselves framed in words demanding a pencil, a diary and a computer finally. This is one such post which whispered to me I cannot proceed further in 2017 without giving due credit to the year which ended 24 hours ago.
2016 was a good enough year for me. The biggest blessing of 2016 was that it endowed me with realisation of the immense inner strength I have. The spirit which was once broken is now a spirit of steel. 2016 saw me completely healed of the hurt I had been carrying on for several years. It saw my relationships strengthening even with those who were partially responsible for the hurt and pain I endured. This ‘Partial’ thing I have told myself repeatedly because the other part was my own doing for whatever they did, I was the one creating my own hurt. I do not seek or deserve sympathy because I did not suffer in silence, I fought and gave all of them back where it wounded them more. It wasn’t a comfortable place to be in – deviating from my core, becoming one of those and embracing their unfailing negativity. Yet, this is all over now and with writing here for the last time, I intend to close this chapter once and for all.
Let me focus on the positives and the learnings of 2016 –
A close friend chose to part ways with me in November 2015 holding me guilty for putting her down with my words. It was difficult for me dealing with it even after a couple of months in 2016 had passed but considering it as the inevitability of life, I let her go.
Learning – When someone holds you responsible for hurting them, irrespective of the fact whether you did it intentionally or otherwise, you have to accept. Accept within yourself and accept to that person. This might prove to be the first step in lessening their pain.
When you learn to live without the ears who were always open to hear you out, you realise you are one whole (person) who can exist and even flourish without the need to share each and every count of happiness and despair with anyone else.
After almost a year, we spoke to each other on 31st Dec putting our past behind us, sharing what our absences meant for each other, sharing the year’s events and learnings with the promise of another call soon.
In the first part of 2016, I woke up one morning feeling lighter. I checked for the reason ‘Howcome?’ I frantically inspected the shelves of my mind and heart to check for my life’s books. The slot next to the book with the title ‘Don’t sweat the small stuff’ was empty. I searched for that missing book again, everywhere, in my heart, mind and conscience but it was nowhere. And, then it dawned! The book had vanished erasing my life’s episodes recorded in it, forever and for good. That book was my ‘Book of Hurts’. That was the day I got healed.
Learning – If you stop turning the pages of your sobbing hurt stories for a long time and focus only on positives, the emotional wounds heal.
In case you think this was only a creative expression of what happened that morning then I shall tell this is exactly what had happened that morning for I think in terms of books.
I am an introvert and a solitude seeker. I don’t meet people often. I don’t call up people unless I have something concrete to discuss about. I only have a handful of people in my inner circle, a number I can safely manage. Inspite of this, I have witnessed my bonds and relationships blooming with people I am related to (those not necessarily in my inner circle) and with those around me.
Learning – When you are authentic and believe in yourself, your interactions with people undergo a sea change, many a times creating or strengthening bonds which never existed earlier.
I declared to the world, in 2016, I will not do anything I simply do not believe in and, foremost, this included not fasting for the long lives of husband and son. My faith says we are all equal souls and God has bestowed all of us with the same powers. Being in different positions in bodily relations should not mean going against this concept of equality. Praying and fasting for son’s long life is discriminating to our daughters. This way we put down our daughters in a subtle manner that their brothers are more important for their mother’s existence than them. Okay I do not have a daughter and I will never have one. I will never have a second child owing to various reasons including medical reasons but this does not absolve me of my responsibility. I aim at raising a child whose one of the core values shall be equality, both gender wise and spiritually.
I expected retaliation and criticism from the stakeholders when I conveyed my refusal but there wasn’t any.
Learning – Standing up for one’s beliefs has to pay off.
I am grateful I could have my way in a peaceful manner. I avoided a clash by not explaining my reason though I should have done that but then that could have resulted in defensive walls springing up.
Grappling with illness –
I fell terribly ill around 15th August. I had hurt my hip and I wasn’t able to move my body below my waist without experiencing a tremendous amount of pain. I was in hopeless pain for 4 days and nights since all the hospitals were closed for a 4-day long weekend. I was anxious, shocked and couldn’t think straight. During that time Corinne and Esha kept me floating through their phone calls and messages guiding me. I went to the hospital in emergency and was referred to a surgeon. My mother also flew down to be with me and Dhruv and thankfully no surgery was involved. It took me a month’s time to get back on my feet again.
Learning – Physical pain also has lots to teach us about our endurance.
In the following month, I fell ill again and this time it was chickenpox. The suffering of chickenpox seemed nothing in comparison to the pain I underwent in the previous month. My face is scarred now but that does not stop me from being grateful to the presence of Corinne and Esha in my life and my loving and caring parents.
I did not blog much in 2016. I tried sticking to the goal of blogging once a week with Monday Musings but a family function and my ailments proved to be impediments.
The highlights in blogging are –
- Although, in 2016, I did not have any of my posts published on other online portals like I had in 2015 but I did contribute 3 posts to Write Tribe and was excited when Corinne gave me these opportunities.
- I had a long time dream come true with my article getting published in print for the first time, thanks to Corinne again for giving the reference. The magazine was June’16 issue of ‘Complete Well being’ wherein I wrote an article on a topic close to my heart – Raising life-long readers.
- In Jan 2016, I joined the blogging group BAR (Blog-A-Rhythm) and had the pleasure of discovering and connecting with so many talented bloggers. While I knew Shailaja earlier, I got to connect with Tulika, Shilpa and Rekha among others. The weeks I blog, I jump sequences of blog links in the FB group to read their posts.The fact that they are wonderful writers writing about life is another big draw for me.
- If Write Tribe is home from where I draw my spiritual energy from, BAR is where I draw my blogging energy from. I participated in 7-day long prompt based blogging challenge Bar-A-Thon organised by BAR. I am not a creative writer or a fiction writer and writing with prompts is not my forte. I took Bar-A-Thon as a challenge and I can gladly say I sailed through it.
- Lastly, how can I forget Secret Santa. Thanks to BAR and the Unwrap Christmas group, loads of fun and guessing game got added to my last month of the year 2016 making the year end for me on a high note.
In the end, will you join me in a simple exercise?
Let us all just not hope but have a deeper affirmation for 2017 that it is going to be the most happier and satisfying year for all of us, individually and collectively. We open our hearts to loads of learning and discovering newer frontiers.
Linking up with #MondayMusings hosted by Corinne Rodrigues